Shy Girls Social Club Handbook on Dealing with Bullies and Other Meanies Page 2

  Therefore, they do the only thing they know how to do – make other people feel like they feel. The old saying, “Misery loves company,” has much truth in it.

  In a research study conducted by the United States Department of Education and the Secret Service of the thirty-seven schools where shootings had occurred, two-thirds of the shooters reported being bullied, harassed, threatened or injured by someone in some way. While that does not in any way excuse them, perhaps it helps explain them to a small degree.

  Bullies themselves have an increased risk of suicide known in educational circles as “Bullycide.”

  Bullies are unhappy, unsatisfied people who want others to be also. They will do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal and fulfill that desire. It is the only way they feel successful.

  Once a bully achieves success in that misguided goal, they continue to repeat it because it makes them feel good. They thrive on it. It is like the person who plays baseball and hits a homerun. Once they know what that feels like and how much attention it gets them, they want to hit one every time they get up to bat.

  People who are bullies have serious issues with their self-worth. They are very unhappy people and they want everyone else to be equally as unhappy or more than they are.

  This is like the story of the man who is a middle manager at his office. All day long he doesn’t have enough power to tell anyone to do too much, but is constantly being told what to do and talked down to by his boss. Therefore, he feels no real power.

  So when he gets home, he exerts his power by fussing at his wife, cussing at his cat and kicking his dog.

  He is so frustrated from wanting power and realizing he doesn’t have any so he creates ways, even if they are negative ways to get some power even if it’s only for the moment.

  Why Are Some People Bullied

  Some people are bullied because they may appear different or they may be different. They may be sensitive, calm, quiet people who sadly, try to mind their own business until a bully disrupts their efforts. They may have a disability, speak differently than others, their body may be viewed as too big or too small or they may have one certain feature like a long nose for which people like to make fun of them. They may be of a different ethnic background or appear to be physically weaker or shy people who are vulnerable to bullies. A child who is already depressed is a sure target for bullies. They believe in kicking people when they’re down which is a trademark of bullying behavior.

  Some people who are bullied already have a problem with their self-esteem. They may already be mistreated at home or in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. They may also be a victim of sibling rivalry and bullying at home. If they are naturally insecure, it would more than likely show, and they could easily be taken advantage of by a bully.

  They say that animals have an innate ability to know when people are scared of them. They can sense it, see it and feel it. They respond accordingly.

  The same is true for bullies. They can see and sense a person who has low self-esteem or someone who is shy or vulnerable enough that they can bully. Think about it this way. Have you ever known of the captain of the football team or the prettiest, smartest girl in school getting bullied? Not likely. Bullies prey on those they perceive to be weak.

  Bullies prey on people they can dominate, irritate and embarrass. More than likely the old saying, “Pick on somebody your own size,” more than likely originated with someone saying that to a bully.

  Why is Bullying Harmful?

  Bullying makes people feel insecure, scared and inferior. It leads them to wonder if something is wrong with them. They may think they are abnormal, not “cool” or are totally socially unacceptable. It can make them feel lonely and it can strip them of their self-esteem and it could even make them physically sick. Bullying puts its victim’s mental health and emotional well being at risk.

  Many people who are bullied repeatedly have feelings of hopelessness that may eventually lead to suicidal thoughts and feelings. While boys are more successful at their suicide attempts, research shows that girls are more likely to feel suicide as a result of being bullied. Either way, anything that provokes suicidal thoughts is never a good thing.

  If the person being bullied already has major problems in their life like failing grades, their parents are getting a divorce or they just broke up with their girlfriend or boyfriend, then they may be in a very vulnerable state. Bullying could push them right over the edge into what they see as helpless and hopeless. That is a dangerous place to be especially during adolescence when there are already other physical, mental and emotional issues at hand.

  This was the case of Alexis Pilkington of Long Island, New York. She was a seventeen-year-old star soccer player who had already scored a college scholarship. She was pretty and popular. She hung herself after long-term cyber bullying via a social network site.

  Alexis’ parents, according to newspaper articles, said that cyber bullying did not kill their daughter and that she was already seeing a counselor regarding other issues. However, who is to say that the horrifying incidences (that continued over the internet even after her death) did not push her over the edge? After all, who in their right minds would send out photos of a beautiful, talented young girl with a noose around her neck when she had just committed suicide that way?

  While it may not have been THE cause for Alexis’ suicide, it is possible it could have been a large contributing factor to her decision to take her own life.

  Wendy Koch, a Research Professor at the University of New Hampshire’s Crime Against Children Research Center and co-author of a study on bullies says, “When children are bullied, they sometimes get depressed and suicidal. It is hard to think of a child as being suicidal but here are some signs to look out for:

  · Depression

  · Crying for no apparent reason

  · Withdrawing from friends and family

  · Missing school and other social activities

  · Self-deprecating talk

  · Loss of appetite

  · Sadness

  · Nightmares or not sleeping well at night

  · Extreme mood changes or mood swings

  · Feeling like a failure

  · Writing a “will”

  · No sense of humor

  · Acting irrationally or recklessly

  · Abusing drugs or alcohol

  · Fatigued/tired all the time for no apparent reason

  · Change in typical personality

  · Giving away things of importance to them

  · Feelings or comments of hopelessness

  According to scientific studies, people who are bullied have a lower self-esteem than those who are not bullied and tend to carry it with them into adulthood. They have emotional scars created that stay with them for a lifetime. As you know, scars weaken the skin and are more sensitive and susceptible to hurt even years later. That is what bullying does to a person emotionally.

  Years later after the bullying has stopped, if the person goes through the loss of a relationship or their job, or they have children who are bullied, the pain continues deeper than if the scar had not already been left there.

  They have a much harder time feeling confident and secure. They have many more social hang-ups than people who were not bullied as children. They also tend to be skeptical of people and easily become defensive as a result of lessons they have learned in dealing with being bullied. They eventually learn to throw up walls to protect themselves.

  The good news is that most kids who are bullied do not commit suicide. The bad news is that if only one does – it is one too many.

  Bullying must be stopped. Support your child and help them build their self-worth. Let them know that you care and do everything you can to help them.

  What to Do if You are

  Being Bullied

  They say that 30% of kids are bullied. That leaves another 70% who can either help or be a witness to the bullying. Once again, there is safety in numbers.
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  It is proven that 60% of all bullying situations break up when another kid makes a comment or steps in to give support to the victim. Stay close to your friends.

  Try to prevent bullying from occurring, sit near the front of the classroom or the front of the bus. When you are hanging out at ball games, stay in the open areas where there are lots of people. Do not run around behind the bleachers in the dark or in the parking lot. Stay where lots of people are. Don’t go anywhere alone.

  Don’t take expensive items to school or sports events with you. It only gives the bully or bullies something to want, therefore, something to try to take from you. Keep your valuables at home where they are safe.

  Sit with a group of people during breaks or at lunch. Group activities are always best for many reasons. Remember, bullies tend to stay away from crowds. In addition, more than 60% of bullying situations will stop when another student gets involved. Stay around people who will speak up for what is right and get involved.

  No matter how tempting it is - do not bully the bully. They will win every time. See, they only bully people who are smaller or physically weaker than them. There is a reason for that. They are too chicken to take on someone their own size or larger. They will only pick fights they know they can win.

  If possible, try not to talk with them either. It is like talking to a brick wall. They think they know more than anyone else in the world. That is why they are bullies. They have no regard for what anyone else think or how anyone else feels.

  If you find yourself alone with them, try to ignore them, walk away and go to a group or a crowded area. The goal is to be around someone else all the time. The more people you are around, the better protected you are.

  Sometimes in certain situations, you can try humor. If someone says your shirt is really ugly, just laugh and say, “It does look pretty goofy, doesn’t it?” Then keep walking in the opposite direction.

  Any time that you can avoid seeing them or being around them - do so. If there is a certain place they hang out at, avoid that area. If there is a certain place in the cafeteria they eat lunch, then go to the opposite side from them. If they can’t see you, or aren’t around you, then they can’t bully you. As they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

  If you do see them, attempt to hide any fear or anger you may feel toward the bully. Never let them see you sweat. In other words, pretend it doesn’t bother you and head straight for a group or crowded place and hang out there for a while.

  If you are being bullied, the first thing you need to do is to realize that the problem is not with you, but with the bully. Everyone has a right to feel safe and be safe.

  Teachers teach, builders build and bullies bully. Do not take it too personally, they bully other people too. If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. However, if they know that their bullying bothers you they will be like a leach. They will attach themselves to you and bug you to death. Be strong and pretend it doesn’t bother you even if it does.

  Decide for yourself if you want to wait it out and see if the bully stops bullying you when you ignore him or do you need to go ahead and talk with a teacher or school counselor. It is your decision, but I would strongly encourage you to talk with a trusted adult. They can comfort and advise you and depending on the situation get the bully to stay away from you.

  One thing you can do if you are being bullied is to hang out around other people. You may have heard the old saying, “Safety is in numbers.” That is why people are always encouraged to travel in groups instead of alone. That is why for most of your life on school field trips or church youth trips there has been a buddy system.

  When it comes to bullying, safety really is in numbers. Most bullies will not bully anyone if they are in a group because there will be witnesses, and that has possible repercussions. They will also look like the bully they are and they don’t want everyone to see them being so mean.

  If you are confronted by a bully ask them to stop whatever it is they are doing to you and do not be caught alone with them. Try to walk into a group or crowded place immediately.

  As soon as possible, tell an adult that you trust. It may be your principle, teacher, parents or a friend’s parent with whom you feel close enough to share. If you don’t want to talk about it, try writing it down and handing the note to a trusted adult. Write down what the person said or did and when and where it occurred.

  Another reason to tell an adult is for future reference…in case something else happens, like your locker is broken into, your bicycle or skate board is stolen, etc. That doesn’t mean that particular bully did it, but it would make them a suspect and someone who would need to be questioned.

  What to do if you see someone being bullied?

  If you see someone being bullied you should try to intervene. Attempt to stop it by asking or telling the person to stop whatever they are doing. Just being there sometimes is all it takes to stop a bully from continuing to bully someone. If you see someone being bullied and don’t try to stop it, then in some ways, that makes you a part of the bullying.

  Tell the bully that you think they are being mean. This could make them stop bullying the person if the statement comes from a third party who is just an onlooker. Remember, bullies don’t like to be called out on their behavior.

  Do not put yourself in danger. If it is a physical confrontation, go get an adult or yell for help.

  Report the bullying behavior to a teacher, principle, coach, parent or adult. The kids being bullied are scared to report it due to the possibility of repercussions or being called a tattle-tail which will only further lead to their victimization.

  What would you want someone to do if they saw you being bullied? Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” You wouldn’t want to be bullied, so don’t bully and if you were being bullied, you would more than likely want anyone who saw it to help you, get you help and/or report it. Do the same.

  If you have a friend who is being bullied, always encourage them to tell an adult and to seek intervention with a school counselor, a coach, teacher, or your parents or theirs. If it is serious bullying that occurs outside of the school or if they are threatened in a specific way or at a specific time or place, they need to alert the proper authorities – police officers, school resource officers, etc.

  The Fine Line Between

  Bullying and Teasing

  Children even teenagers “teasing” each other is a common and normal part of life and growing up. It always has been. But words can be painful and when any form of teasing becomes continuous or gets out of control it turns into bullying.

  There can be a fine line between bullying and playing or teasing someone. For years in college, it was typical of fraternities and sororities to “haze” their pledges – people who wanted to enter their organization. The hazing ranged from requiring pledges to wash cars or clean rooms of the older members. In some cases, pledges would be made to “funnel” beer, drink shots of tequila, taking beatings from the other members with a huge paddle that had holes in it or other such dangerous acts just to be initiated into their group.

  After illnesses, hospitalizations and even deaths were reported due to such hazing; much of it has been outlawed.

  Hopefully all of the dangerous acts have been any way.

  The question is was it bullying? If the person being bullied knew it and didn’t mind, then was it bullying? I say yes. Other people were making them do things to be accepted. They were placing a tremendous amount of stress and social pressure on them so that they could belong.

  There is an important lesson to be learned here. Respect yourself, or no one else will. Have enough self-respect and self-worth not to have to be literally beaten to be a part of anything.

  Any group worth joining and being a part of would never require such ridiculous and dangerous things of you. Eating an entire pizza or sitting naked on a banana or washing all the members’ cars is one thing, but do not let anyone abuse you.
r />   Fraternity and sororities pride themselves on being brothers and sisters – a family. Can you imagine your real brothers and sisters and your parents beating you and making you drink a keg of beer or experiment with drugs to live in your house or be a member of your family? Of course you wouldn’t. That would be absurd. So is hazing of a dangerous nature.

  Most fraternity and sorority hazing has been outlawed and rightfully so. However, there are still some out there that practice the age-old ritual and right-of-passage to be in the system. Do not get involved with a group who allows or advocates hazing in any shape, form or fashion. You deserve better!

  Warning Signs for Parents that Your Child May be Getting Bullied

  (If your child has one or two of these issues it could be for another reason, but if more than two of the issues below are occurring, please ask your child what is going on in their life that is distracting and hurting them.)