Saving You Saving Me (You & Me Trilogy) Page 12

  “How do you not care what people think of you?”

  “Because, I was sick and tired of it,” I said. “All my life I’ve had to live up to what people expected of me,” I said, “So I rebelled. I stop thinking about being what they thought I should be like, when I was thirteen.”

  “Is it better that you did?” the girl asked.

  “Yes, it is. I feel confident about myself now more than I did before I turned thirteen.”

  We talked for 25 more minutes about why she did not feel confident enough to step out of her group of friends and make new friends. We talked about how it was important for her to develop her own interests outside of her group of friends, and to make friends from those interests. She was interested in games, but her friends were not, so we talked about how she could join a girl’s gamer group or if there was not a group like that, how she could step out and form one. She was still hesitant about going against the wishes of her circle of friends, though.

  “I’ll be called a loser and no one would want to be my friend,” the girl said.

  “Those friends aren’t worth having,” I said. “If they can’t accept who you are and encourage you to reach your potential, then you are better off without them. I know I’m going to sound like a grown up now, but this is the bottom line: You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to be controlled by what those girls think or do you want to become the person you were destined to be, much greater than what your so-called friends want you to be.”

  “I want to be a doctor,” the girl said.

  “You’ll have a hard time getting into medical school if you start taking drugs,” I said simply.

  “I get it,” the girl said. “It’s hard to hear, but I get it, and you’re not like this 50 year old shrink who’s telling me this. You’re a teen like I am. Thank you.”

  “Good luck and call me here if you need to,” I said hanging up.

  As soon as I hung up, I turned around to face Derek, who grabbed my face with his hands and moved his lips to mine. I didn’t open up my mouth, although he was definitely a very good kisser.

  I looked over at Megan then and she walked away.

  Derek pulled away, his eyes blazing. “Don’t you feel it?” he said, “the chemistry between us?”

  I stepped back. He was definitely a very good kisser, and I didn’t want to be distracted from what I had to say. “Derek, I know you like me, and I know we’re friendly, but I don’t want to lead you on. I’m not interested in a relationship like that with you. We’re friends and that’s how I like it. Just now…I regret playing along with you for Megan’s sake.”

  A stricken look crossed Derek’s face. “Oh God, Sam, I’m sorry. I saw Megan there, and you were looking so beautiful, I got carried away. I’ve been meaning to kiss you for a while, and I thought you liked me too. I did not mean to take advantage of our friendship.”

  “Derek,” I said gently, taking his hand. He looked so sad. “I do care about you, but as a friend. When I started working here, I was in a kind of relationship that just got complicated. I’m still not over it. There are things I have to work out.”

  “Oh,” Derek said, sounding disappointed. “I didn’t know. Things make a little more sense now. I wished I knew so I could’ve backed off. I mean I really like you.”

  “I bet you say that to every girl you date, Derek the Serial Dater,” I joked.

  “Don’t,” he winced. “I’m only dating different girls right now because the girl I have my heart set on doesn’t seem to want me.” He stared at me for a second before he turned around.

  “Derek,” I said, “It’s not because I don’t want you, you’re cute, sweet, funny, kind, sexy, and if I wasn’t so confused about where I was on this relationship I’m in, I would’ve fallen for you.”

  He looked up, his eyes hopeful.

  “But I think you need to tell Megan something about us,” I said, pointing to where Megan had gone off to…the Conference Room. “I don’t want to give her the wrong idea, Derek, please. If she has guilt issues about you and her, then you two have to talk. Are you over each other?”

  “Yes, we are,” Derek said.

  “Well, I’m not sure about that. Just now when you were kissing me, I saw her expression, and it didn’t look like she was happy for you. She looked jealous even.”

  “She did?” Derek asked. “That’s strange, I mean I thought…”

  “Exactly,” I said. “Talk to her and figure out what’s going on. Meanwhile, I’ll handle the phones.”

  Derek smiled, as he touched my chin with his finger. “I’m still hurting from your rejection, Sam, but now I know the reason so that soften the blow.” He laughed. “Whoever you’re in this confusing relationship with, is one lucky guy.”

  I put my arms around him and pushed him towards the Conference Room. Then I went to my desk. The green light was flashing on screen and on my phone. I sat down, put on my headset and pressed the button.

  “Hi, you’ve reached Sawyer House, what do you want to talk about today?”

  As soon as he said, “Susan,” I knew who he was. Daggers. My heart began racing and my palms started sweating, as I remembered the sexy dream I had about him. “I’ve been thinking about you, Susan,” he said.

  “I have been thinking of you,” I said softly.

  “I couldn’t sleep last night,” Daggers said, “because I kept thinking I had to say something to you…to let you know how much your faith in me means to me.”

  “I’m glad,” I said. “It’s all you, though. I mean,” I was flustered. “You’re the one who had to make that change.”

  “But I couldn’t do this without you, Susan.” He sounded happy.

  “Daggers,” I said. “How are things going?”

  “I started falling in love with the girl who I mentioned. She’s like a breath of fresh air, and everything I want.”

  I felt a strange feeling wash over me, as he went on about this girl. I tried to fight it, but suddenly I didn’t want him with her. I didn’t want Daggers to find this girl.

  “Susan, last night, she came to my house, and I wanted to make love to her, to videotape her, to collect her on film, but I stopped. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to because I was afraid of losing her. I didn’t even have sex with her, although I really wanted to more than anything in the world. Because I love her, I wanted to wait for her to want me in that way. I didn’t force or pressure her. Instead, I crawled into bed with her, held her, and fell asleep with her. And I never slept better than ever.”

  My entire body froze.

  “Susan,” Daggers said, “I imagine you to be very much like her…an angel. That’s why I keep calling you. You’re my lifeline, my agent for change. I think I can have a normal relationship with my girl if I can keep talking to you about my demons. I can’t taint her with that or she won’t want me.”

  I finally thawed, but felt numb. Serious Susan slapped me a few times on my face to get me to out of the daze. “What do you want, Daggers?”

  “I want to keep talking to you, I want to be able to call you every night to talk to you, and I don’t want to wait to talk to you, like all the other Callers you deal with.” Daggers sighed and then he said, “I’ll pay you even.”

  “No,” I said, closing my eyes. “That’s just…”

  “Are you saying ‘no’ that you won’t talk to me outside of your work?”

  “I’m not allowed to, Daggers, plus I won’t do this for the money, but because I care for you. I want you to be happy.”

  “Ahhh,” Daggers sexy voice sighed against my ears. “I tell you I’m falling for this girl, and you tell me this?” he said. “When I see her, I think of you, too, you know that?”

  Somehow my heart jumped, but plummeted, too.

  “I made a donation to Sawyer House,” he said. “I hope that covers my time with you.”

  “Daggers, you didn’t have to,” I said.

  “It’s not because I have to, it’s because I want to, Susan,”
he said. “I made some right decisions in life when I was younger that turned me into a very wealthy man, even at my young age. I’ve had such a hard start in life, Susan, it’s made me appreciate everything I’ve got. You’ve helped me, no, you’re helping me, and so I’m helping Sawyer House. In the beginning I wasn’t even going to call Sawyer House. It was an accident that I called this line when I was looking for another line. And it was a risk. I don’t do public talks or crisis centers. I do private therapy with overpaid psychs to the stars. This was a risk I took, all because I was lucky enough to get you on the line, to talk me into talking to you. So the donation? It’s my calculated risk, Susan, to make sure you’ll still be around.”

  Calculated risk? Where did I hear that before?

  My head was spinning, and my heart was pounding so loudly that I feared my head would explode.

  Lola had her hand clapped to her mouth, and Serious Susan looked on in horror.

  “Collins?” I said so softly I could barely hear myself.

  There was a deep intake of breath at the other end of the line before the line went dead.

  Chapter 16

  Derek and Megan found me quivering and shaking like a leaf curled up like a ball in the corner of the room. My head was in my arms, feeling so heavy that Derek had to lift my face up so he can talk to me. “Sam!” He enveloped me into his arms as the tremors kept coming over and over me again like waves. “What is it?” he asked. “What happened?”

  Megan came over and gently touched my shoulders, “Here,” she said, “drink this, it’ll calm your nerves.” He handed me a mug of tea that I nearly spilled since I was shaking so hard. Derek grabbed it out of my hand and gave it back to Megan.

  After a while, I subsided while Derek held me. Gently he stroked my hair as I leaned into him, unable to control my shaking.

  “It’s okay,” Derek said, rubbing my back. “You’ll be okay, Sam. You’re safe. I won’t let go until you’re ready.” As the tremors went through me, I held on tighter, and he tightened his grip on me until I was still.

  Gradually my shaking stopped and I closed my eyes feeling like lead. I sunk into Derek, and he lifted me off the floor, carrying me as I dangled in his arms.

  “How is she?” Megan asked.

  “She stopped shaking,” I heard Derek say. “I think that’s good, but now she’s out cold. Must be exhaustion. Sam has been in here almost every day for the past three or four weeks, like she was on a mission, hardly taking breaks, and when she did, she would be reading up on things. She said she was glad to be hearing other people’s problems so she could stop thinking of her own. I didn’t think it would be this bad.”

  “Something must be so deep within her that she doesn’t even know what’s going on with her,” Megan suggested. “I’ve never seen anyone shake like that out of some kind of fear.”

  “I don’t know what it is, but I want to help her,” Derek said. “If she’ll let me.”

  I felt Derek carrying me in his strong arms through the hallway.

  “Where are you taking her?” Megan asked.

  “If you’ll watch the phones tonight,” Derek said calmly. “I’m taking her back to her home. I have the address from her paperwork.”

  “Alright,” Megan said. “Go, this has shaken me up some.”

  “She’ll be okay,” Derek said again, grabbing my coat and my bag from my desk and making his way to the door. He got to the door, and had opened it before he stepped back and said, “Holy…”

  “Sam?” Collins’ voice asked with worry. “Why are you carrying Sam like that?”

  “Who are you?” Derek demanded.

  “I’m Sam’s friend,” Collins said. His worry replaced with calmness. “I’m taking her out to dinner,” he added with a hint of possessiveness.

  “She’s in no state to go out to dinner with you,” Derek said, some steel to his voice. “If you’re a friend of hers, you’d understand.”

  “Then I’ll take her home,” said Collins. I felt his hands on my waist, as he tried to take me into his arms from Derek’s.

  Derek stepped back. “If you’re that guy she’s been seeing and has been trying to forget about this whole month, then I’m not letting you near her. I think she collapsed out of exhaustion and stress, worrying about you.”

  “That’s why I’m here,” Collins said, his voice betraying how he felt for me.

  Some force in me surged up to make me cry out for him, wanting him near me. “Collins,” I whispered. “Oh God, Collins…”

  “Sam,” Derek said, his eyes shining. “You’re up. I was worried for a moment, but…”

  “Can you put me down?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot I was holding you,” Derek said, nearly dropping me.

  I stumbled to my feet, as Collins placed his hand on my waist, steadying me as I looked up into his beautiful face. This beautiful man with the blazing adoring icy blue eyes and full lips was the poor baby boy whose mother verbally and physically abused at birth. My Mr. Collins McGregor was Daggers. My sexy Caller who craved verbal abuse was the man I couldn’t get enough of.

  “Sammy,” he said, “I have to talk to you.” His face was in such anguish, it made me want to cry. There was so much between us that was unspoken as we stared into each other’s eyes.

  I looked over at Derek, whose face had turned to stone, as he watched Collins take my hand and lovingly caress it. “Derek,” I said. “Thank you for helping me. I have to go, but I’ll see you soon.”

  Derek looked down to the ground, before he turned his brown eyes to me hiding some bitterness and anger. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.” He glanced over at Collins with anger in his eyes, turned and walked away.

  Chapter 17

  We left my car in the parking lot, while I slid into the backseat with Collins. Instead of his Aston Martin, we were being driven by his driver in his black Cadillac Escalade.

  I cocked my eyebrows at him and tilted my head. “What happened to the Aston?” I asked.

  “At home,” he said. “The state I was in before I headed here to see you, I’d have crashed the Aston.” He took a deep breath and said, “I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared if you knew about me, about my need for an abusive sick relationship; I would scare you off.”

  “So you became Daggers?” I asked.

  “I am Daggers,” Collins said. “That was my nickname for when I was a street punk, growing up on the fringe of gangs and drug dealers in Santa Ana. I was a walking hating disaster, always picking fights, always trying to get myself beaten senseless or killed.”

  I traced the outline of his face with my fingers, feeling him, touching him, not quite ready to believe the voice I had listened to was this beautiful creature before me. My Daggers was my Collins. My poor Collins…when I thought how he grew up and what he had become today, I did not think I could ever love him more than I did now.

  “Sam,” Collins said, “like you, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around you being Susan from Sawyer House. I mean, in the back of my mind I knew you were Susan, but being Daggers and talking to Susan as Daggers was the only way I could tell you about my past and my sick need. I wanted to see how you would react to Dagger’s dark secret. I never thought you would figure out who Daggers was nor want to get close to him because of his cravings, but you seemed so accepting of Daggers.”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Because of the way you reacted when I showed you the sixth condition for my agreement.”

  “I still have a problem with it, Collins because I can’t do it. Other people may have no problem with it, but I can’t. Of all the things in the world, that sixth condition baffled me, made me worried about you, made me worry about what you expected of me. I could not agree to it, Collins.”

  Collins pulled out the paper and read me the number six condition:

  6. Must be willing to be videotaped during sex.

  “I will remove it from the conditions, Sam, if you want me to, but if you wa
nt to keep it, I’m fine with it. As much as I thought I had to have it in our relationship, it no longer matters.”

  I must had tears in my eyes, because Collins leaned in to kiss my eyelids, kissing away a tear, before kissing my lips softly. “But isn’t that one of your absolute conditions? The deal breaker?”

  He was looking at me with such adoration. “I’ll be willing to try, for you. Don’t you understand? When it comes to you, there are no deal breakers.”

  I looked at him, my beautiful tortured walking hating disaster, as he called himself. He was my Daggers and my Collins rolled up in one yin/yan self-loathing/egotistical hot yet deeply disturbed package. I realized how much I cared for him, when I said, “Keep condition six.”

  Collins kissed my temple and asked me, “Are you sure?”

  I picked up his hand and held it to my cheeks. “Collins, when will you realize whatever happens will happen in a relationship sans paperwork.” I kissed the palm of his hand, and he closed his eyes. I took his hand and began kissing his fingertips. “Something happened today when I realized you were Daggers, and Daggers was you.”

  Collins pulled me into his lap and held me. “What?”

  “I had a breakdown, Collins, my mind and body couldn’t process it, it was as though I couldn’t handle my intense overwhelming feeling of love and desire for you, Collins. I was falling for Daggers, but I also loved you. I fell in love with both of you, I guess - past, present, and future.

  Collins’ face was shrouded in mystery. He pulled me in close so my head was resting against his chest. “Is that what happened when I arrived at Sawyer House? You had a breakdown?”

  He looked so worried, “I don’t want to be the cause of your breakdown, Sam. I don’t want you having any breakdowns.” He looked at me seriously then. “Sam, you are the kindest, sweetest, and most loving woman I’ve met, and I know you would put everyone else’s wants and desires over your own to your detriment. There is something that is worrying you so much, deeply buried in you about us, that caused that breakdown, isn’t there? Is it your about your mother or father? I remember how you were constantly worried about what your father thought of you.”